|A younger me|
In 1995 I discovered the internet and created one of the first transgendered web sites. It was called the Sussex Transgender Page. My main reason for creating the site was to find someone like me, or identified in the same way as I did with the transgendered scene. I got lots and lots of emails and made some good friends. It was very flattering to be out at a TG event and have someone asking if I was Cheryl from the Internet. In all of the years the page was running I did not meet anyone who was like me. Was I that unique with my outlook, I'm not sure?
During these early years I also so wanted a girlfriend who would accept me, yet I had this burning desire to feminise myself. So many inner conflicts which I thought I would be able to untangle to clear my head.
Many years ago I visited a well established transsexual support group. It was made very clear that this group meeting was for true transsexuals only and not transvestites. This is back in the days when you were either TV or TS. I was rather intimidated about going as I was not too sure what side of the transgenered fence I was one. My only exposure to 'true transsexuals' was seeing Caroline Cosey, April Ashley and other types who looked like real women. Anyway the support group was a real eye opener for me. Everyone there was a bloke in a frock, manly men dressed up with heavy orange foundation makeup all reitterating with each other that they are women. Some would have you believe they were realer than real women for one reason or another. Many could quote from the bibles of transsexuality as to their condition. 'I only wear the uniform of my sex', I heard one say. Another could be heard saying 'Oh he was just a TV, not like me who is a TS'. Mini skirts and high heels were very popular amongst the group, but a complete denial of any form of fetish. I had no idea that the human mind could fool these poor souls into such a delusioned condition. On leaving I realised that I too must appear like these people. I was cured for six months, the shock took away all ideas and desires about being female. But the feelings did return.
Even today I'm instantly taken back to memories of this support group meeting when I hear career transsexuals lecture as to how someone like me should feel or even say on the net. I instantly create an image of the very sad confused and unemployable people I met at the support group.
All these years later I still don't have any answers. The problem defies all logic and no matter how hard I try to reason with myself I'm still all mixed up.
I've often thought that there is an inner fight within myself. There is the everyday self I present to the public and the hidden self that needs to be expressed but finds the whole idea of a full scale transition rather terrifying. So I'm always limited to 'safe' surroundings and tranny circles.
I'm currently at the stage where the choices are:
1. Stay as I am, live out the role that is expected of me. Get used to feeling that I'm on the outside looking in all the time, with no answers to my feelings.
2. Get some guts and have ago at a transition into female role.
So what prevents me from moving forward with this inner desire? Guilt. A great feeling of letting those I know down. A sense that I would have lost the inner fight, and have chickened out of being a male. A fear of public rejection, who wants to walk around with people pointing at you, that's no life.
Plus there is the nasty autogynephilia that I feel has been pushing me all along. Does autogynephilia exisit in transitioned transgendered individuals? If I transitioned I could be non-op or post-op as the public view of me would not notice or care either way.
How would I feel inside? If AGP was still inside me post tranistion would I feel that I've done all I can but still feel motivated by it?
Or perhaps would AGP be suddenly switched off, would this make me happy being clear of this demon obsession? Or worse if the motivation is switched off then I'd be female but with no desire or drive to actually continue being female.
I would love to hear from life stories from those who have transitioned where AGP was at some stage or still if a driving force.
Anyway bugger all this nonsense. I'm going to dress up........