I thought I would write a piece on my blog about the use of hormones for people who identify as autogynephilic or a form of crossdreamer.
I've experienced the obsessional transformation fantasy of becoming a female since first memories. Perhaps I should say I've suffered from this obsession from a very early age. The interest has always had sexual overtones and has slowly become worse and worse as I got older. Yes I was experiencing sexual fantasies from first memories, which is not as rare as you would first think with young children. At such a young age I simply thought it was something I could conjure up magically which would make me feel nice and also arrest the fantasy for a while.
Anyway all these years later I guess the obsession is as bad as its going to get, it really can't get any worse can it? For me personally I have always wanted to control or dampen this crazy obsession. I suppose I have problems accepting this side of myself and feel great shame and guilt about the whole thing.
I've had access to hormones on and off over the years as a way of providing myself with some form of solution to my problem. The perceived view was that I could dampened the obsession whilst also at the same time fulfill the fantasy. The fantasy has always been very strong and demands that I enact it out as realistically as I can in real life.
In my early twenties I visited a private psychiatrist who gave me access to the magic pills within 10 minutes of talking to him. This was Russell Reid, or as many at the time would say Uncle Russ with the Smarties. He was later disciplined over 'rushing' patients through the system which came to light with the Charles Kane post op TS case. So I took the full dose of the magic pills for a little while, lost my sex drive very quickly, got very scared and tried to pull myself together. I repeated this often over the next few years.
In later years I came to the conclusion that a low dose hormone option may be better suited to me (the low dose was 50mcg patches) . This was via the skin patches which are much safer and you only have to change them twice a week. After a short while I did feel much better and happier all round about myself. I maintained a sex drive which was not as urgent as before. My mental thought patterns also became clearer with general thinking and analysis throughout the day. I also felt that I was doing something I has always wanted to do. I felt happier that I was able to 'touch the femininity' far better than I had ever before and I generally felt very satisfied with myself.
During this time of feeling much happier I felt that hormones without physical role transition could be accomplished. After all my head was much clearer, the shame and guilt had pretty much lifted and my sexuality was much more normal. Did I really want to tun my life upside down over this obsession? I was able to focus on the idea of loving relations rather than the obsessional tranny fetish fantasy stuff. I still had the desire to become female but it was under control. I discussed this with my Doctor who had given me the hormone patches. He said there is not such thing as being 'inbetween', which is what you are trying to achieve. 'You are one thing or the other', he went on. I was not so sure.
So time marches on and before I know it a couple of years has gone by. During this time I maintained my happy emotional state.
Yes I was still dressing as Cheryl as it was still a desire but controlled. I was (am still am) living 95% of the time a a male. Then strange things started to happen.
My hair had grown long as I had always wanted long hair but was always worried about having it long, hormones allowed me to want to grow my hair without shame. I found a very pleasant female hairdresser who did my hair in a female style without me even asking. I guess she simply thought the style would suit me. I still go to her and she simply fusses with my hair into a feminine style. She only knows me as Paul and knows nothing about Cheryl. She does know a TS friend of mine so I guess she has put two and two together. During the chat with her she always asks 'how is your partner?', I presume she thinks I'm gay as 'partner' is often used as a polite was of asking 'how is your boyfriend?'. I'm not gay by the way.
One day whilst out shopping I was at the checkout and realised I needed some replacement razor blades. They were behind the counter and had to be asked for. I asked for the Gillette set pointing towards the wall and the lady at the checkout passed me over the woman's set. So I said no not those one the ones next to it. Another woman's set was passed back to me. I had to actually say 'no the mens razor blades'. It was not until I got home that I realised that I must have been seen as a female, even though I was dressed as my male self and just asked in my normal voice.
Another thing happened in Donatello Restaurant in Brighton. I sat down to have a meal as my male self and the woman on the table next to use lent over and asked my friend if I was a man or a woman. This person was a little odd herself, she seemed mentally disabled in some way so as not to have any inhibitions. So that was a little embarrassing.
Many other times in shops similar things would happen. At Blockbuster I asked about a film title and the assistant said 'she wants this title'. Whilst out walking through the town centre I was often approached by people doing surveys, 'oh excuse me madam' they would say as I walked past.
For the life of me I could not really figure out how people were making such mistakes about my gender. After all I was dressed as a guy, walked like a guy and sounded like one. Maybe my own perception of myself was really so very wrong. During my whole life I thought it would be impossible for me to dress as a woman and pass in public, and here I am going around in public making no effort to appear as a female dressed as a male and being called madam. My facial appearance looked the same to me despite close friends telling me that I was looking girly, I did not see it myself. I just thought I looked healthier.
So with all this happening to me was I pleased? You know I'm not sure what I made of it all. There was a sense that anyone looking at me and seeing a female must be blind. But I do admit to getting a buzz and pleasure out of the whole idea. All I conclude is that there is much more to the perception of male or female to a person who sees you for the first time, other than clothes and makeup.
If I study my body, it is more female like which I like. Sexual activities today are far more pleasurable than they were before and perhaps more female like. I don't need an erection and I like my small breasts and nipples. I'm currently not taking hormones at present as I need to understand how far I want to take things.
Making your mind up about what you are is so very difficult. Any help from readers would be most appreciated.
Anyway here is a picture of me in my normal day to day male look. Taken yesterday in the garden. I built a snowman for the first time since I was a child. So do I look funny and odd?
If you're stuck for something to watch tonight, go on over to Tranisa and watch a film.